Short Comedy One Shots
by EuphoniumGurl0
Summary: Short Comedy OOC fics that are amusing and make fun of the everyday normal stories and the stories that are too original. They're extremely amusing. If you don't like the themes in the first one about the killing, go to chapter 3.
1. Killing is fun

This is a couple of short one shots just to entertain people with their OOCness.  
  
Hermione walked down to the usual platform. This year would be her first year teaching, and hopefully her last. She was badgered into leaving for Hogwarts by her boyfriend, Harry Potter. He insisted that she left so that he could get a hooker, and pay her fifty Galleons a night to sleep with him. Hermione upset, but angry decided to have fit revenge. So she not only gave her virginity away to Ron Weasley, but she killed Harry Potter, and Ron Weasley for being so lousy. She hid it so carefully that no one would ever find out.  
  
"Excuse me. Are you a new Professor?" Hermione looked around, happy with her previous decision of murder. She nodded at the little girl, "But you're so young!"  
  
"I know, sweety. They needed someone new to teach Astronomy, so I'm here." The little girl nodded, and skipped off to presumably gossip with her friends.  
  
Hermione sighed wanting nothing to do but to finally get there, and start teaching. She felt that if she had something to preoccupy her time she wouldn't think about how she was the victim of Harry Potter and Ron Weasley's lousiness.  
  
"Miss Granger, how pleasant to see you!" Hermione was walking down the halls to see what her new classroom looked like after three years. She turned around to see Flitwick.  
  
"It's Professor you ugly bat. AVADA KEDAVRA!!!" Flitwick fell to the floor lifelessly. "Now, to clean this up. Trachimango Wandlimugunus. No one will ever know from my wand." She shrunk the body to fit in her hand and threw it to the lake. It landed with a splash.  
  
Hermione walked away happily that day. That had been one of her funner experiences. She was glad that she decided to go through with it, and happier that there was no way of tracking it to her. Magic had its limits after all.  
  
She wondered why they already had a new teacher to replace Flitwick while people looked for him. She just smiled and put on a worried look on her face. No one had suspected a thing.  
  
"Professor Snape, can I assist you with potions?" Hermione wanted an excuse to kill him.  
  
"Yes, you may." She looked at him surprised. He was up to something. He had to be. There was no way anyone could be that polite if it was a Snape.  
  
"I want to have sex with you." She said pushing him into his room. If he really was up to something he would curse her out, then she could murder him.  
  
He, instead of cursing, made a spell so both of them were naked. He thrust into her, and they had the most enjoyable night of both of their lives.  
  
The next day Hermione killed all the teachers, except for Snape, making him Headmaster. He then told her something that made her joyful.  
  
"You are a Pureblood, Voldemort's heir, and you will join the dark side, like me. We will produce an heir and live darkly."  
  
"Okay." She said taking his manhood and putting it into her. They had sex for the next three months.  
  
"And honey, the world lived free of Mudbloods." Hermione read to her daughter. She clapped at the end. A fly flew by and the little five year old girl took out her wand.  
  
"Avada Kedavra!" Severus came into the room and picked up his offspring. He kissed her and patted her head.  
  
"That's my girl."  
  
~*~*THE END*~*~ 


	2. What to do with Dumbledore's body

Hermione killed Dumbledore. She didn't know why she did it. Wait, yes she did. She hated the way he pretended to know everything when he was just a stalker who had issues with malesting children.  
  
She didn't know what to do with his body right now. She killed him in his office, and surprisingly, his phoenix seemed to be happy he was dead because Fawkes was licking Hermione's hand.  
  
She could toss him in the lake, or she could eat him. No, she wasn't a cannibal. She did, however, remember ancient African tribes(during one of her time turner experiences trying to get laid) that the tastiest parts were the finger.  
  
With a sweep of her wand she cut off his middle finger. She howevered it above her mouth, but then she glued it back on to his hand. Old wrinkly skin was not what she wanted to have her first cannibal experience with.  
  
So, she was back in the same boat. What should she do with Dumbledore's body. She put her hands together like an evil scientist would do.  
  
"Muahahahahahaha!" She murmered subconsiously as she took out her wand and shot Dumbledore's body to outer space.  
  
With another sweep of her wand all trace of her killing Dumbledore was gone.  
  
~~~~  
  
Surprisingly, for no reasonable explanation, Draco Malfoy became Headmaster. So, she killed him. He had apologized for all the bad things he had done, but she wanted to kill him.  
  
He had been shagging the telescope when she cut off his weener causing him to kill himself.  
  
She then sought of Cho Chang, and of course she killed her as well.'  
  
Then, she decided it was wrong to kill people. So, she settled for showing them her hidden treasures.  
  
Mostly guys died from that because Hermione had a secret.  
  
She was a hermaphrodite and had a penis. Hermione, the IT, then decided to kill only people who deserved to be killed.  
  
She killed Voldemort, McGonagall, and then Ron and Harry just because they thought it was wrong to kill someone.  
  
She then killed everyone in the world except Fawkes so they could produce a super human race.  
  
~*~*~end~*~*~ 


	3. Hermione Granger and the Sudden Transfor...

A/N: Oh geeze guys I've been reading more and more mary-sue stories because authors are unoriginal. I thought I'd take this oppurtunity to make fun of Draco/Hermione unoriginal stories! Enjoy the OOCness  
  
Short Comedy One shot number 3:  
  
Hermione walked onto the platform she had grown so accustomed to, but this time it was different for her. Suddenly, over the summer between sixth and seventh year, Hermione had somehow miraculously gotten big oversized boobs and gotten taller! She didn't like books either because that's something she grew out of in a mere one and a half months.  
  
For some reason, her own best friends for six years didn't recognize her just because she had impossibly changed in such a short time. She walked up and hugged them for them to grab a feel.  
  
"Back off boys, I don't feel about you that way," She said as they hugged each other and cried, missing the train.  
  
Hermione, with no one else to sit with, suddenly found Malfoy and sat with him. He, for no reason, didn't recognize her because she had obviously completely and totally 'blossomed' into a proper young witch.   
  
"Hey Malfoy, what are you staring at?" She asked him. Malfoy, not having lost all of his brain, recognized her voice and said, "Eww cooties from a Mudblood!"  
  
"I made Head Girl so back off!" She said, suddenly getting an attitude.  
  
"I made Head Boy because for some reason even though I obviously failed O.W.Ls I am still better than the Golden Boy Harry Potter!"  
  
"Oh ok. Let's skip ahead to our dormitories!"  
  
The dormitories grew 300thousand square feet because these Heads were better than the last heads, and there suddenly became a tradition of the Head Boy's and Head Girl's dormitory should be bigger than the whole Hogwarts grounds!  
  
"Wow this is awesome and we have a conjoined bathroom even though there is an outside built in bathroom and the Prefects bathroom!" Draco said as he took off his clothes, even though he knew Granger would mysteriously be in there and walked into the bathroom that had grown another 300thousand square feet also!  
  
He turned on the water and stepped into the tub and never even heard Granger walk in.  
  
"Hmm, this steam must be a result of condensation because Malfoy can't be in here before me. I shall now take off my clothes and prance around completely naked even though he is here with my newly formed body!"  
  
"Granger! Wow your newly formed body is hott and I love you! I have changed my ways after 17 years because you are so hott. I will kill Voldemort and love you. I shall also call you Hermione!"  
  
"I love you too, Draco! I am pureblooded and the heir of some person who hasn't been previously mentioned!" She exclaimed fakely.  
  
They lived happily ever after.  
  
The Mary-Sue Making Fun of OOC fic! 


	4. Harry and the Hermaphrodite

a/n: I had to write this quickly because I was choking on my laughter.  
  
Short Comedy One shot #4:  
  
Groaning in pain, the magic folk murmured something inappropriate. Why could wizards have magical contraception and spells and potions to cure every sickness but this one? Well, this wasn't a sickness. The stay at home magician had been pregnant for three months now and was vulnerable to being sick at random times.  
  
"Ginny! What are you doing in the bathroom?" Draco yelled as he almost knocked down the door, "I have to use it!"  
  
"What do you think I'm doing?" She yelled as one last spurt came out and she flushed the toilet. Walking out of the bathroom, she pointed in for her husband as she grumpily sat down on the chair waiting for Draco to finish his business in there.  
  
"What are we eating tonight?" Draco asked as he put an arm around his wife. She growled at being interrupted with her magazine and shrugged.  
  
"Harry and Ron invited us to dinner at their flat tonight. Are you up to coming?" She asked him as she threw the magazine viciously at the unsuspecting coffee table.  
  
"Might as well." Draco said as he stood over the fireplace and grasped a handful of floo powder and tossed it in.  
  
Appearing in the flat, he saw Harry and Ron in a corner with a UFO, an underwear flagging opposite-sex. They were clearly in a compromising situation so Draco helped his wife out of the fireplace and sat down at the dining table.  
  
"Want to join in?" Draco heard Potter ask.  
  
"No thanks. I'm here for dinner not desert. Speaking of, what are we having?" Draco asked as Ron walked over to the stove still completely and totally naked.  
  
"Mashed potatoes are on the table. I'm in the process of frying this chicken." Ron said as a bit of oil flew out of the pan and hit him in the family jewels.  
  
"Ron! What did mum tell you about cooking naked?" Ginny asked her brother as he was on the floor moaning and groaning in pain.  
  
"Always use protection." Ron echoed as he calmed himself and set the dinner before them.  
  
"So, when is the baby due?" The UFO asked as Ginny excitedly answered, "on the Seventh of November."  
  
"Is it a boy or a girl?" Harry asked as he slowly masturbated under the table.  
  
"Oh about that. Ginny and I were vigorously having horse sex with a sheep at the barnyard when the embryo exploded. It's going to be a hermaphrodite."  
  
"Isn't that when it's a boy and a girl?" Ron asked conversationally as he looked at the large stomach.  
  
"Yes. The doctor said my stomach's gotten so big because the baby also has this disorder thing where it grows a few months every day. It said its first sentence yesterday." Draco laughed.  
  
"It said! Mummy help, I'm choking on my wiener!" Ginny added as everyone laughed.  
  
"It's healthy though right?" UFO asked.  
  
"Oh yeah. It's right-I-o. They said Draco might have it premature though. It's alright. We can pay for all the fees and everything because of the money we've been getting in the Muggle world for showing the first pregnant man."  
  
a/n: LMAO. Sorry I had to do that to you. If you look at the top I was careful not to use the word he or wizard anywhere. LOL. I know that's OOC to the extreme but I had to write it. LOL Pregnant!Draco and Pregnant! guy stories are so retarded so I had to write this. Cheers 


	5. Take It Or Leave It

A/N: I had inspiration.. This is hitting the OOC mark for the weirdest most unusual fic. Hope you all enjoy.  
  
Short Comedy One shot #5:  
  
"Fred! Mate, what the bloody hell are you doing?" George asked his brother in their London flat.  
  
"What, can't a bloke ride his broomstick?" Fred asked innocently as he pranced around the living room with his broom.  
  
"You can if you're outside FLYING, but I don't want you RIDING your broomstick in the apartment. The curtains are open too!!! You'll scare the children."  
  
"Like they've never seen a broomstick. Might as well whip out my wand." Fred disrobed quickly, and George turned away as he gagged.  
  
"I hope to Merlin you're talking about your magic one."  
  
"As if I can't make magic with two."  
  
"Your wooden wand!!!! By Godric Gryffindor, I swear that you are perverted in the greatest degree!!" George yelped as he apparated across the street into Pansy Parkinson's flat.  
  
Pansy had miraculously changed her ways and got resorted into Gryffindor. She became best friends with Harry and Ron after she killed Hermione Granger. They were the Golden Trio. After school, Pansy moved into the flat across the street from the Weasley twins.  
  
"I love his wand." Pansy said, not noticing George had entered her apartment, "Ride that broomstick, baby!!"  
  
"Not you too!!!" George groaned as Pansy turned around, "Harry and Ron are in the bedroom if you want to see them."  
  
George entered the bedroom and saw none other than his brother and Voldemort's enemy, and surprisingly, Voldemort in bed. It was a bit weird how they were doing it so George stood there, tilted his head, and watched.  
  
"Oh Voldy!!" Ron screeched out, and George suddenly felt very ill. This wasn't the usual every day.  
  
"Call me Dancing Queen." The red-eyed monster demanded.  
  
"Dancing Queen. Hum hum hum hum hum mmmmmmmmmm…" Harry began to mumble the words to the song as the springs on the mattress creaked.  
  
George took one last look and apparated to Hogwarts. Somehow, all the wards had been penetrated and set so that George could apparate inside there, but no one else could. He ran toward the Dungeons. If one thing would remain the same, it would be Snape.  
  
He slammed through the door and noticed a class full of students. He was surprised since it was just a bit past seven in the evening. He looked up to the desk and saw something that made him choke on his tongue.  
  
Snape stood behind the desk, his hands on a model of a male and a female. The female plastic model was on her knees with her butt in the air, and he could only look to see the male with his back straight.  
  
"Mr. Weasley… Come to join the lesson? What's your favorite position?" Snape asked as he transfigured his hair blonde like Lockhart's.  
  
"Yes…" The class mumbled in a mute tone, "Join us." He ran for it as fast as he could and ran to the great hall.  
  
He opened it up to see hundreds of students in a massive orgy. George banged his head against the doors before seeing Dumbledore and Sprout in a position that would haunt his dreams and plague his thoughts forevermore.  
  
He then apparated in his ultra-cool apparition chamber to Hermione Granger's flat. He saw her there, sitting on the sofa with a book in hand listening to some light classical music.  
  
"Oh, hello George. I didn't know you'd be dropping by. A spot of tea?" She asked, and George breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
He sat down, calmed down, and accepted the tea she had been handing him. He looked to her and saw her tongue come out in split, green ends and catch a fly in mid air.  
  
He closed his eyes. Not again. But hey, it was the most normal thing. Take it or leave it.  
  
Fin  
  
A/N: LMAO!!! Cheers 


End file.
